I have started a list, it will have to be in instalments, as each reason needs explanation, of why I think one day, when I am grown up, I should get married.
I realize most of these things I can pay other people to do, but it would be far more convenient and possibly save me lots of holiday money to have a live in fixer and helper of things. (I know, I know! and love and all that stuff too)
1. I had the unfortunate task of flipping my mattress the other day. Why wouldn’t I? I’m a strong, independent woman... I approached the mattress with confidence lifted it up form the one side, Great! We half way there, then tried to move mattress bottom to top for flippage, then there were moments of gold and there were flashes of light, I found myself on my back with the mattress on top of me... ? This is not even the worst part of the story, the worst part is when I tried to correct the “moments of gold and flashes of light” the mattress ended up the same way it was... not flipped.
Henceforth I will invite people over for dinner with the hidden motive of mattress flipping (shh don’t tell people that not only will they have to pretend to enjoy my food they’re being bamboozeled into moments of gold and flashes of light.)
2. While we are on the topic of beds, you all know the struggle (which is real) of changing the bedding by oneself, especially when you got your self a super king sized bed and evil laughed when you did it because you were so happy you were going to be able to spread eagle when you sleep... big mistake Pia, big mistake.
Aside from getting lost in the wilderness of duvet cover at each change, have you all tried folding a King sized fitted sheet on your own? Well, HAVE YOU?
3. I arrived at work the other day, and everywhere I looked there were woman with coffee in their hands, apparently its a thing? Husbands bring you coffee? Why wasn’t I told this as a young woman, I would have made more of an effort in my 20's.
4. Strolling through my apartment, on my own (or so I thought) minding my own business when I approached a monstrosity the size of a small horse, just chilling there on my bedroom floor... I tried not to panic, reversed and tried to make my brain come out of panic and move into logic... then in a stroke of genius remembered I’d asked my friends fiance to bring me doom for when we went camping (I made what I like to call a ring of fire using doom around my blow up mattress to ward of any 6 or more legged friends) anyway I digress, back to the small horse in my bedroom. I grabbed the doom, tiptoed back into the room (Because tiptoeing can save your life? and apparently in this time of fight or flight tip toeing allows you to think you have control of the situation) and let loose on the cockroach, I am not sure if the terrifying insect died from drowning in the doom or if the poison killed it? The poison just short of killed me.. in fact I’m sure I have about 20% less brain function since said event... but you know, I’m still here to tell the tale.
Pia: 1
Cockroach: 0
Side note: Reason number four isn’t just cockroaches, its every creature great and small, with more than FOUR legs which falls into the "HELP ME" category.
5. I know this next reason could be the the actual reason that I am single, but I burped the other day. It was impressive! I was proud! and I had know one to congratulate me, no one to witness the greatness of it... so I messaged a few friends to say
"Shucks, I just made the loudest burp ever and no one to witness, I wish I was married"
One of my friends responded
"Shucks, I farted in bed this morning and now I'm sure my husband wishes he wasn't married" - you know who you are
So you know, this one can go either way.
That sums up the first few reasons... stay tuned more on the way... could be anytime from now til next year, so keep it semi tuned like in the background, background music semi fuzzy type tuned.
Happy Sunday all y'all...
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